After leaving Bali, I stay in Bandung for a month and finally move into a house that I and a friend rented in sub-urban Jakarta. The house is located in a civilized and quiet area. A privilege I have tasted back in the UK. complete silence and I want that.
Around last month, I was in a transition of finally accepting that he is not for me, that I deliberately did not choose him, to the fact, that now I am completely single. No date, no lovers, paramour. Completely by myself.
This is daunting.
Before him, I had been always in relationships — exclusively, inexlusively. Before him, I completely capable and mastering the art of flirting. I was so good in dating. Meeting men in any ocassion could resulting on me having additional relationship — any type or relationship.
I did not think of a steady relationship, let alone a marriage.
Today, the idea of having a functional marriage, and a small family, come in a time after I met him when I lost him when I have zero men in my life.
I can’t see him in my future and worse, I don’t see anyone. I keep questioning and regreting my decision.
This is daunting. I don’t want to fall for somebody else. I only want him in my life.
The thought of that I now completely single sadden me the most. Also conflicting now since I want a marriage. The situation is unfamiliar. No precedent of me coping with this situation beforehand. And now what, I have to start dating and looking for the one? I don’t want to fall for somebody else. I only want him in my life kind of thought is repeating the same regret feelings. I do not believe I could find love again.
Now. The worst part. The anxiety attacked me during the daytime. Breathing exercise does not help, so I just lay down and let it passes. I have no one to talk to during the attack. After it passes, I am very tired. I feel my soul leave my body and during the night I am scared to sleep again. My chest tightens and my heartbeat increases 100 times. Make me helpless. After 1–2 weeks beaten and can’t function, my coping mechanism getting worse. I went on endless hookup with a guy. My date was living close by so I could come every night and come home before midnight.
This is not working, obviously. I finally reach out to my manager and crying while explaining my situation. Asked him to compensate me if my anxiety attack during work time, and he granted without further question. Next, book a sesh with my psychologist. During session, here what she trying to entangle and get out of me:
- frustration → because I feel unlucky, I feel not chosen in love, by love. I am a great spectacular quality of person. but why?
- anger → because i feel i can’t have him due to too many consequences.
- unjust → because the world do not let me just marry my boyfriend that do not looks like me, have a different skin color from me, believe in beliefs that are different from mine, speaking completely a unfamiliar language from me, and living across the world from me.
- scared → because it is daunting having no vision at all on how my love life would be ending.
- confuse → because it’s a blur how to deal in modern dating, finding your soulmate, with my current capacity.
When exercising my breath, the study case is: revisit when the anxiety attacked, then putting myself as observer. What would me do to myself?
turns out, if i was seeing me suffer like that, i would just hug me letting myself cry in my arms. just what my boyfriend used to do. even better, my boyfriend could sense when I am about to break down. I would do that to me over again. then, draw me a nice bath and let me soak into it. I will make myself feel safe again so that I can face this with myself. exactly just what my boyfriend will tell me: you will do great things, you are this amazing, determined human being. nice things are bound to happen to you eventually, and I love you.
after all, I think what she said makes sense to place me in the present first. to be mindful of where I am literally. Keeping running scenarios in my own head without being present is unhelpful, let alone the faith of a better situation in near future. all things triggering me are completely a mystery and there’s no guarantee in terms of timeline and results. Anxiety due to overthinking could be calmed by getting back to reality. Feel the now and lose the need of controlling uncontrollable. Help the overcome attack, here are the takeaways:
- Be Mindful
- Back to journalling my feelings.
- 3 minutes breathing exercise and do what things to calm
- Release the pain: I use to do crazy work out and it works.
- Better to meet familiar people → means it is unwise to hook up around. I need a connection to get back to my composure, new people with no bond probably give a small impact on my situation now.
- Appreciate small wins, small steps, and small goals before a bigger vision.
Now it has been 3 weeks after the session, gradually calmer, every time the storm's symptoms come, I just let it be and afterwards talk to myself. incepting many many reasonable scenarios by looking back at what the divine already gave me: the sunset, a good job after graduation, him, a nice house, sufficient money to live, a working brain, parents, friends, a functional car to cry on, an act of courage to live another day and to survive.
try to obsess on something really meaningful for you. be present.
